


Making Yourself Up As You Go Along

by dev0n



Series: The Devil With the Black Dress On [1]
Category: Daredevil (Comics), Daredevil (TV), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: (Or inspired by it anyway), Earth-1045, Gen, MtF!Karen Page, MtF!Matt Murdock, Season/Series 01, Trans Female Character, Trans!Karen Page, Trans!Matt Murdock
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-03
Updated: 2017-10-03
Packaged: 2019-01-08 11:50:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,773
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12253839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dev0n/pseuds/dev0n
Summary: "I don't need to hear another cis man explain how he's not transphobic even though my existence makes him uncomfortable," Ms. Velazquez snaps. Matt hears her cross her arms. He shakes his head fervently."But that's the thing. I'm not... I'm not cisgender."





	Making Yourself Up As You Go Along

**Author's Note:**

> I was thinking about Earth-1045 Daredevil and I was mad about how she barely exists and this happened. I might end up writing a second part at some point with Mattie/Frank, but we'll see. Not beta'd, but hopefully I did a semi-decent job proofreading???
> 
> Title from True Trans Soul Rebel by Against Me!

Matt Murdock and Foggy Nelson have been practicing law for approximately one week when they meet their first transgender client. Unsurprisingly, Audrey Velazquez is an assault victim.

Foggy seems somewhat caught off guard, but Matt closes off almost completely. He tries not to make her uncomfortable, that's not his intention; so he lets Foggy take the case and locks himself in his office. Tries to breathe. Tries to suppress those feelings he's been suppressing for years now. He reads over Ms. Velazquez's case file later, once she's gone, and ignores all of Foggy's gentle questioning and strange looks.

It isn't difficult for Matt to find the perpetrator that night after he's been let out on bail. He beats the man until he's unconscious, then beats him some more. By the time he stops, he's not sure if the blood on his knuckles is his own, or the attacker's. That's the first time Matt truly knows what he's meant to do with his abilities, who he's meant to become. He feels the man's face, bloody beaten beyond recognition, and smiles.

Matt finds out later that the man died in the hospital. He tries to be sorry. He fails.

\---

Matt takes Ms. Velazquez aside when she comes to meet them after her attacker's death. She gives him a wary look; clearly, she's noticed the way he avoided her the couple of times she's been in.

"Ms. Velazquez, I want you to know," Matt says softly, looking incredibly nervous as he twists his hands around his cane, "I'm not uncomfortable with --" Audrey scoffs and starts to turn away. Matt doesn't reach out to try and touch her, he knows better than that, but he pleads with her once more. "Please wait. Please let me explain."

"I don't need to hear another cis man explain how he's not transphobic even though my existence makes him uncomfortable," Ms. Velazquez snaps. Matt hears her cross her arms. He shakes his head fervently.

"But that's the thing. I'm not," he replies, heart hammering in his chest. He leans in just a little closer even though they're alone, voice barely audible. "I mean, I'm not... I'm not cisgender."

\---

Ms. Velazquez is kind enough to help Matt out after their confrontation. Foggy seems to think Matt is dating her; when Matt tells her this over coffee one afternoon, she scoffs and leans back in her seat with a soft smile. "You should be so lucky," she teases. "Have you thought about a name at all yet?"

"I don't want to change it -- not much, anyway." Matt stirs his coffee, face turned down toward it. "Mattie. That's -- my dad used to call me that. And my..." _Stick._ He trails off and shrugs. Audrey hums, considering this, then nods.

"I like it. It suits you. Mattie... Short for anything, or just Mattie?"

"Madeline, maybe," Matt murmurs, sounding almost shy. He hears Audrey smile.

"Well there's one step forward, Madeline Murdock."

Matt's heart skips a beat when he hears the name.

No.

Mattie's heart skips a beat when she hears the name.

\---

After that, Mattie slowly starts to work towards her transition. At the same time, she keeps going out at night, earning herself the nickname 'the Man in the Mask'. (She hates it.) She starts shaving her face completely, shaving her legs, shaving under her arms; she stops going to get haircuts. She starts wearing lace and silk beneath her clothes instead of boxer-briefs. Her Amazon cart fills with medical supplies and padded bras.

Audrey takes her shopping, eventually. Mattie's heart is pounding, but Audrey insists the boutique they're in is trans-friendly. Mattie doesn't hear any whispers or feel any heads turn when she goes into the changing rooms with an armful of women's clothing, so after about half an hour, she finally relaxes. She's laughing and joking with Audrey as she tries on different things, listening to Audrey describe how she looks in each one. Mattie goes home with three bags of clothing and two pairs of shoes. When she goes out that night, one of the thugs she beats up actually comments on the way her face is lit up with joy.

\---

Karen is the first to stumble upon Mattie's secret.

Not the 'Man in the Mask', no. Karen comes over when Mattie is trying to learn how to do her own makeup -- a daunting enough task for anybody new to it, much less a blind woman. She's so focused on her eyeliner that she completely misses the footsteps coming up the stairs, then coming up to her door...

Karen knocks.

"Matt, you home?"

Before Mattie can remember how to move, Karen is letting herself in. There's no reason for her not to, usually; she and Foggy both do it, especially when they're in the middle of an important case like they are right now.

"You're never going to believe what I found! There's this--"

Karen stops at the end of the hall and stares. "Oh my god. I'm so sorry. I should have waited for you to answer the door, I --" she takes in a deep breath. Mattie stays silent, mind and heart racing as she tries to think of something, anything she can say.

"Are you... Questioning your gender identity, Matt? Or is this just a, a thing?" Karen gestures vaguely toward Mattie. She sounds completely non-judgmental only curious, and there's another edge to her tone that Mattie can't quite define.

"Questioning, no," Mattie replies, clearing her throat. God, she feels sick. "I'm... I'm a woman, Karen. I've known for a long time. I tried to pretend for so long, but I..." She trails off and shakes her head, eyes watering.

"Hey, hey!" Karen crosses the room quickly and crouches beside the couch, taking Matt's face in her hands. "Don't cry. It's okay. You don't wanna ruin your eyeliner -- it actually looks pretty good." That elicits a soft laugh from Mattie. She tilts her head up slightly toward Karen.

"Listen, Ma-- wait. What do you want me to call you?"

"Mattie," Mattie replies softly, and a little shyly. "It's, uh. Short for Madeline."

"Mattie," Karen repeats. Mattie can feel her smile. "I didn't mean to burst into your closet like this. That's not fair to you. So I guess I might as well tell you something just as personal about myself." She takes in a deep breath and sighs. Mattie starts to protest, tell Karen she doesn't owe her anything, but Karen continues before Mattie can speak.

"I'm trans, too," Karen says softly. Mattie lets out a soft noise of surprise. She'd thought there had been something a little _different_ she'd sensed, but she hadn't examined it too closely, assuming it was some kind of health condition.

Overcome with emotions she still doesn't know how to deal with, Mattie throws her arms around Karen and hugs her tightly. Karen returns the embrace with just as much force, stroking Mattie's hair and murmuring words of encouragement.

Karen ends up staying over. They stay up late into the night and talk about themselves, for once, hardly bringing up work at all. It's the first night in a long time that Mattie doesn't go out as the Man in the Mask. She can't bring herself to care very much, though.

\---

Mattie comes out to Foggy a few weeks later. He's surprised, but he takes it well. In a serious tone that Mattie's heard him use very few times in her life, Foggy says, "You're my best friend. My -- my sister, Mattie. You'll always be that to me. Man or woman or whatever else you wanna be."

If Mattie cries a little, well, neither of them says anything about it.

\---

When Claire finds her in the dumpster, Mattie's first concern is, for some stupid reason, her underclothing. She hasn't been on hormones long, but she's been on them long enough for some breast development, so she's wearing a bra and _OW, fuck, oh yeah, that's a stab wound._

"Don't worry about it, Mask," the nurse says later as she's stitching up a laceration on Mattie's side. "Your gender is none of my business. I'm more concerned about the, you know, _collapsed lung_ you almost died from..."

Mattie sighs. _Ow._

\---

As Mattie gets closer to taking down Fisk, she puts her transition on hold. This is more important, she tells herself. No matter how much she hates it, she has to put the safety of Hell's Kitchen before her own well-being.

The suit Melvin makes her fits like a second skin. Putting it on is bittersweet; the suit feels right, the mask feels right, but her _body_ doesn't feel right.

 _Soon enough,_ she tells herself. _Be patient._

\---

Two months after they put Fisk behind bars, Mattie is finally ready. She changes all of her documentation first, then starts presenting female in public. All of it is done with little fanfare, though she does have a small get-together at Josie's with Foggy, Karen, Claire, and Audrey the day she gets her ID and birth certificate changed. Brett and Marcie somehow end up there, too, but they're both kind and congratulatory, so Mattie doesn't mind. She sits at the bar and listens to her friends drink, play pool, flirt. She holds her ID in her hands and traces her fingertips over the printed words she knows are there but can't read, overcome with a powerful mix of emotions she can't even begin to untangle.

"It says 'F,' buddy," Foggy grins, clapping her on the shoulder and squeezing. He's tipsy, warm-faced, and jubilant. Mattie raises her head to grin at him. She's crying again. Goddamn hormones. It's a good thing she's invested in waterproof mascara.

"Yeah," Mattie says softly. "Yeah, it does."

\---

"What happened to the old one?"

"Stabbed. Shot. What _hasn't_ happened to the old one? And it doesn't fit anymore." Mattie unzips her hoodie and shrugs it off. She's wearing her old mask, but otherwise, just a tanktop and jeans. Her muscle mass and fat distribution have clearly changed over time, but the most noticeable difference is her breast augmentation. Melvin's mouth falls into a little 'o' of surprise, then closes.

"Betsy says, uh... Betsy says I should be good to everyone, no matter how different they are," Melvin says slowly. "She... She doesn't like me doin' this no more, but... You're still gonna protect her, right? And me? Keep us safe?"

"I am," Mattie nods. "I put Fisk behind bars, didn't I?"

"... Yeah." Melvin smiles a little, though he still looks uncertain. "Alright. Alright, alright. Fine. Come stand here -- I gotta take new measurements."

\---

This time when Mattie tries on the suit, it fits _perfectly._


End file.
